After high school I started studies at an institute belonging to the University of Damascus. Bank account and finance were the major subjects. It is a two-year education that leads to a diploma, not a degree as a Bachelor. I was not comfortable as a student; I think it was my growing consciousness as gay that kept my mind. I hoped inside me that my feelings would disappear growing up, but they didn’t. In the contrary my fantasies and sexuality as gay got stronger and stronger.
I got problems concentrate as student and felt ashamed for mine gay feelings. My fear to be discovered was strong too. For me the fear of being rejected and dismissed of my family and friends. The fear of be jailed was also strong into my head. Not to talk about what God would say. I was as mentioned educated to be a true Christian. As I tried to push all these thoughts away, I started to work as a waiter in a restaurant. Hoping to find a solution of my problems. In addition, for working was the fact that I had to financing my studies. In Syria there is no benefits for financing the studies, the economy is based on support from the family.
In the restaurant there worked a man responsible for the economy and account. An older, married man I put my eyes on. I felt I got a nice and close relationship to him. Not sexually, only as a fellow human. But I was in love and tried to get even closer to him without the result I hoped. I considered my strategy and tried to get close to his daughter. I liked her as a human being and thought that my approach to her could satisfy people around me when they asked why I never got a woman to marry. Inside me I had a crazy thought that if I got close to her, I too would come closer to her father. Maybe I would succeed in getting him to bed. As I see this today it was a desperate and hopeless act from a young, horny man. I must tell that my love for this man did me weak and I got problems to protect myself. I did all he asked me for, even paid his bills and bought things he wanted. Today I am wondering if he understood my feelings for him and took advantage of using me. The fact is that he didn’t consider me as a proper husband to his daughter. If that was because of my social status or my sexual orientation I will never know.
After a year at the institute I was tired of all studying. I dropped out and concentrated of the work at the restaurant. I earned money and were satisfied in that way. But as non-student I was enrolled to the army. A duty all Syrian men must go through for two years. So much happened to me in the army that I will use a separate article from that time. But I must tell now that when my duty was completed I understood that I had to get a profession and went back to finish my studies.